I’m ashamed of myself for it but I entered into a very self-indulgent phase. I let myself just sit on the couch and feel depressed. I was so tired all the time. I never wanted to get out of bed.
I let myself get upset over things that I could not change or control.
I let myself stay too long in a relationship that was no longer fulfilling for me or my partner.
I sat on the fence regarding more surgery, refusing to make a choice as to how I wanted to move forward.
I retreated inside my mind and let fear make my choices for me.
And fear is not someone you want at the helm. It is lazy, selfish, and only interested in self-preservation. It does not care about anyone else, only itself. It shifts blame and expects to be handed the things that it wants because it is too afraid to go out and fight for them. Fear complains about the present but does nothing to change the future. It doesn’t like the unknown, it would rather just stay where it is, stuck, reflecting on the past and complaining.
I let fear in and it froze my existence.
Everything in my life came to a full stop. I kept putting off my inevitable trip back to Mayo to make my final decision on surgery. I didn’t like my job but was too afraid to leave it. My relationship was not working but I was too afraid to end it. I was lonely and isolated but I was too afraid to reach out to anyone because I did not think anyone could understand the way I felt. So I just sat on the couch and immersed myself in the star crossed saga of Lady Mary and Mathew Crawley. The Dowager Countess (as well as Professor McGonagall) would have been very disappointed. I was made of stronger stuff than that.
I had not yet learned the most important lesson of my existence:
That happiness is a choice.
It must be actively pursued. It does not just happen. It is the ultimate prize that must be fought and won everyday out on the battlefield of life. It is not a gift that is handed to you wrapped up in a bow, it is a right that is earned. And to earn it you must be brave. Happiness can only be experienced when you let go of your past, embrace change, and move boldly toward your future. Happiness cannot be found behind you
Happiness lives on the other side fear.
Never look back, that’s not where we’re going…Life is short, love hard, and choose to be happy…