When he entered the room, Dr. J was his usual self: relaxed, congenial…gorgeous. I was the complete opposite. I sat there silently and stared at my toes peeking out of my compression boots. I have been this way my entire life. When I am in the “friend zone” I am completely comfortable in my own skin. I am clever, I can joke, laugh, tease, you name it, I have it in my social skills toolbox. It is only when I take it a step too far and incriminate myself in the act of liking or caring about someone that I become a mute. I am suddenly clumsy, I don’t know what to do with my hands, I blush uncontrollably, my palms get freakishly sweaty, I can’t think of anything to say, and I most definitely cannot look the person who is the object of my affection (or in this case infatuation) in the eyes.
So I just sat there silently with my face angled down while Dr. J performed my exam, checking my vision, breath sounds, and swallow reflex. Which for some reason even now I will take a drink of water or try to swallow food and it just sits in my throat. Like the signal to swallow is on a 3 second network delay. I feel like I’m choking and start to panic, then everything switches back on and I am fine. This is one of many “quirks” that my body now has that I have had to learn to accept.
“Ok Stephanie everything looks pretty good. Last thing I need you to do is lean forward and then strain…you know…like you’re trying to go number two.”
My. Brain. Just. Exploded.
Did Dr. J just use a sentence with the words “number two” in it? I could feel my face flushing and I think he noticed because he quickly interjected, “It’s in order to make sure you don’t have a cerebrospinal fluid leak. We were able to pull the tumor away from the dura without compromising it but before you leave we want to be absolutely sure. If you strain and clear fluid comes out of your nose we will know.”
oh well that makes this so much less embarrassing. This was the second time since I had been here that I was supposed to try and have an accident in the bed on purpose.
These people were weird.