The horror doesn’t stop there. As I was busy flirting, Dr. J was busy working. He quickly had me lean forward and inhale lidocaine up my nose to numb it. I of course was so drunk I got some of it up there but quite a bit still dripped down out of my sinuses onto my lips and mouth. I started giggling again. I couldn’t feel my lips. I did the motorboat noise cracking myself up. I couldn’t feel a thing. This was crazy. Party on Garth.
Now that I had lips similar to Lara Flynn Boyle after her daily collagen injection, the eloquent phrases escaping my mouth had the equivalent enunciation of Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady when she has marbles in her mouth trying to recite “The rain in Spain.” I was not aware of any of this. I was flirting and having the time of my life. In my mind I had never been funnier or more charming.
“Ok Stephanie, are you ready? This is going to be a bit uncomfortable at first.” In my mind I thought, oh I bet you say that to all the ladies. Thank you JESUS I did not say that out loud. I gave him a simpering nod and took a slow and sultry breath that made more blood run down my face.
“Ok I’m ready” and he proceeded to shove what I can only describe as a four inch tampon up my nose.
“This packing will expand as is soaks up the blood and that expansion will also apply pressure at the sight of the bleeding hopefully stopping it.” I nodded giving him my, oh thank you doctor, how can I ever repay you smile.
Then I did the unthinkable. I leaned forward like I had something private to tell him, stopped, looked right, looked left, like we were in collusion and said in a husky voice, “Dr. J, you’re the best,” then I reached up and with my right index finger, playfully booped his nose. A display of affection that I usually showed to Matt when he was feeling down and I was trying to be cute.
Thankfully my Adonis in scrubs found all of this amusing instead of a gross intrusion on his personal space.
While I am horrified at the lack of inhibition that I showed while under the influence of that syringe cocktail (again, I blame the meds) I am slightly comforted by the fact that I was told by the multiple nurses witnessing this train wreck of inappropriate behavior that I am comically charming while intoxicated.
And shouldn’t we, as ladies, always strive to be vivacious and charming? Even with blood on our face and a tampon shoved up our nose?