Once on the surgical prep floor is was time to wait again. I started thinking about all the things that could go wrong and how I might feel when I woke up. The tumor grows behind my right eye and presses up against my optic nerve which had started to cause some vision loss in my right periphery. If I was looking straight ahead and you decided to walk in a side door very quietly I wouldn’t be able to see you. I would probably be the world’s worst “seeker” in a game of hide-and-seek. Dr. M told me he did not know exactly what would happen when he tried to pull the tumor away from there. What if I woke up and couldn’t see out of my right eye. I reached up and put my hand over my eye trying to think about how life might be different if I couldn’t see when I woke up. I told myself it would be fine, I looked over my left shoulder to pass and switch lanes on the bike and run, and I swam with my eyes closed most of the time anyway. I didn’t need it.
There was a chance that the tumor had also weaseled its way into my tear duct. If that was the case Dr. M told me he would need to remove it by placing an incision right below my eyebrow and down the base of my nose. What if I woke up with a scar on my face? I told myself it would be fine. It would most likely be small and plastic surgery works wonders for scars. And who says that while I was in there having that fixed that I couldn’t clean up a few other fine lines and scars from my uncoordinated youth? No one would ever know and I could come out looking better than ever. hmmm was there anything else I wanted done? lifted?
The tumor had eroded away a portion of my skull and was putting pressure on my brain. Dr. M told me that he was not sure what would happen when he pulled the tumor away from it. It was quite possible to “nick” the delicate cover of the brain called the dura which bathed it in cerebrospinal fluid. If this happened he would harvest some tissue from behind my ear by my temple in order to patch the hole. What if I woke up with a patch of hair shaved? I told myself it would be fine. I am absolutely obsessed with Ellie Goulding and she rocks long hair with a shaved patch above her left temple. I would just take a picture of her to my hair stylist after my surgery and get it fixed.
We had not been able to embolize anything yesterday. What if the bleeding was extensive and I did not wake up at all?
I didn’t have an answer for this one…I looked down to realize my hands had started to shake.